Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize