The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
