I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
