My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
