He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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