oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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