I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
