i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
