my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
