found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So squirting runs in the family.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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