yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
