my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
