The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
