just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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