Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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