Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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