you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
