my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
