As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
