It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize