I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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