the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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