i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
