remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
