I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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