if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We have started to decorate penises.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
