I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
