dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Randomize
