i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
