A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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