Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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