Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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