my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
