Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
