Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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