I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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