My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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