If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
