I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
