my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
