It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
