you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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