i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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