he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
