my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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