oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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