I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
