im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
