I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
