omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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