ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize