he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize