Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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