I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize