His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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