when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
