I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
