I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my shit smells like andre
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
